{"id":119087,"date":"2026-10-20T00:10:19","date_gmt":"2026-10-20T04:10:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bgodinspired.com\/?p=119087"},"modified":"2026-10-20T00:11:23","modified_gmt":"2026-10-20T04:11:23","slug":"how-to-write-a-eulogy-complicated-person","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bgodinspired.com\/index.php\/relationships-and-family\/how-to-write-a-eulogy-complicated-person\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Write a Eulogy When the Person Was Complicated"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class='booster-block booster-read-block'>\n                <div class=\"twp-read-time\">\n                \t<i class=\"booster-icon twp-clock\"><\/i> <span>Read Time:<\/span>14 Minute, 43 Second                <\/div>\n\n            <\/div><p>You have three days. Maybe four.<\/p>\n\n<p>Somebody asked you, or nobody asked you and it simply landed, and now you are the one who has to stand up and speak. So at some point after midnight you type <em>how to write a eulogy<\/em> into a search box, and you get back a wall of funeral-company pages and writing-tip lists.<\/p>\n\n<p>Structure. Length. Ask relatives for stories. Practise out loud.<\/p>\n\n<p>All of it is reasonable. None of it is for you.<\/p>\n\n<h2>Why every eulogy guide feels useless right now<\/h2>\n\n<p>Because they are all answering a different question. They assume the hard part is organising your praise. They assume there is a pile of good material and you just need help shaping it.<\/p>\n\n<p>Most of them include some version of a warning, too \u2014 that a eulogy is not the place to air a grievance. Which is true. But they stop there. They tell you what not to do and then leave you standing exactly where you were.<\/p>\n\n<p>Here is the question none of those pages will touch, and the one you probably cannot ask anyone in your family this week:<\/p>\n\n<p><strong>What do I say about someone who was difficult, or absent, or cruel?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n<p>If that is your situation, understand something first: you are not stuck for words. You have plenty of words. You are stuck because the true words and the sayable words are not the same words, and nobody has told you what to do about that.<\/p>\n\n<p>That is a completely different problem from the one the templates solve. And it does have an answer.<\/p>\n\n<h2>The one decision that makes the rest easy<\/h2>\n\n<p>A eulogy is not a verdict.<\/p>\n\n<p>It is not an obituary, not a court record, not a final accounting of whether a life came out ahead. Nobody appointed you judge. The fact that you have the microphone does not mean you have been handed the job of ruling on what this person was worth.<\/p>\n\n<p>A eulogy answers one question, and it is much smaller and much kinder than the one you have been carrying:<\/p>\n\n<p><strong>What should these people carry out of this room?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n<p>That is it. That is the whole job.<\/p>\n\n<p>And the moment that becomes the question, the complicated material sorts itself out almost on its own. You stop asking &#8220;was he a good man,&#8221; which you cannot answer and were never required to, and start asking &#8220;is this worth carrying,&#8221; which you can answer in about four seconds per item.<\/p>\n\n<p>Most of the hard things are not worth carrying. Not because they did not happen. Because the room is not the place where they get resolved, and pretending otherwise puts a weight on thirty people who came to say goodbye.<\/p>\n\n<p>So: you are allowed to leave things out.<\/p>\n\n<p>Leaving something out is not lying. A eulogy is a selection, and every single person listening knows it is a selection. Nobody has ever walked out of a funeral thinking they just received a complete and balanced account.<\/p>\n\n<p>There is one line, though, and it matters: <strong>omission is allowed, invention is not.<\/strong> You may decline to mention the drinking. You may not describe a devoted father who did not exist. People forgive a short eulogy. They do not forgive a false one, and a room can always feel the difference \u2014 there is a particular silence that follows a sentence nobody believes.<\/p>\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-left\"><em>Before you go further \u2014<\/em><br>\n<strong>The Beginner&#8217;s Guide to Feeling God&#8217;s Presence Every Day<\/strong> is a short free video guide and PDF about finding steadiness in ordinary, difficult days \u2014 the kind you are having now. <a href=\"https:\/\/bgodinspired.com\/index.php\/free-video-course-feeling-gods-presence\/?utm_source=bgodinspired&amp;utm_medium=article-inline&amp;utm_content=hero\">Get the free guide<\/a>. Free.<\/p>\n\n<div class=\"convertkit-form wp-block-convertkit-form\" style=\"\"><script async data-uid=\"6491fb8269\" src=\"https:\/\/bgodinspired.kit.com\/6491fb8269\/index.js\" data-jetpack-boost=\"ignore\" data-no-defer=\"1\" data-no-optimize=\"1\" nowprocket><\/script><\/div>\n\n\n<h2>What to do with the parts that were not good<\/h2>\n\n<p>You have four options. Pick one. They are ordered by how much the room already knows.<\/p>\n\n<p><strong>1. Leave it out entirely.<\/strong> This is the default and it is the right answer more often than people expect. If the difficulty was private, it stays private. You are not withholding evidence. You are choosing the subject.<\/p>\n\n<p><strong>2. Name the shape, not the details.<\/strong> One sentence, no examples, no evidence. &#8220;He was not an easy man.&#8221; &#8220;We had some hard years.&#8221; &#8220;She and I did not always understand each other.&#8221; Then move on to what you came to say. The room fills in the rest from their own knowledge, and most of them will be quietly grateful that you did not make everyone pretend.<\/p>\n\n<p><strong>3. Name it as a cost.<\/strong> &#8220;Whatever it cost us \u2014 and it did cost us \u2014 this is what I want to say about her today.&#8221; This is the strongest option when the difficulty is widely known. It honours both things at once without putting either one on trial.<\/p>\n\n<p><strong>4. Hand it to time.<\/strong> &#8220;I do not have this finished yet, and I am not going to finish it today.&#8221; That is an honest sentence, and it quietly releases you from the impossible task of resolving a whole relationship in four minutes, in front of an audience, while grieving.<\/p>\n\n<p>And one thing not to do: the sideways remark. The joke with a blade in it. You will be tempted, because it is the only socially permitted way to say the true thing. Do not. The room will hear it, and it will be the only part anyone remembers \u2014 including the people who agreed with you.<\/p>\n\n<p>If you are unsure whether a line crosses that boundary, use this test: would you be comfortable if the person&#8217;s closest friend quoted that sentence back to you in a year?<\/p>\n\n<p>One more quiet permission: you are allowed to say less about the person and more about what you actually saw. Describing is safer than assessing, and it is almost always more moving. &#8220;He was generous&#8221; is a claim somebody might dispute. &#8220;He drove four hours to pick me up and never once mentioned it&#8221; is just a thing that happened, and nobody can argue with it.<\/p>\n\n<h2>If you have three days, do this<\/h2>\n\n<p>None of this needs money, a quiet house, or spare time you do not have.<\/p>\n\n<ol>\n<li><strong>Tonight, do not write.<\/strong> Make a list instead. Fragments only \u2014 ten or fifteen of them. Things you genuinely saw: a chair, a phrase they always used, a smell, what they did with their hands, the thing they were ridiculous about. Do not evaluate. Just collect.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Tomorrow, circle three.<\/strong> The three that would mean something even to a stranger. Specific beats grand, every single time. &#8220;He kept every receipt in a biscuit tin&#8221; lands in a room. &#8220;He was a man of integrity&#8221; does not.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Build it in four parts.<\/strong> Who you are to them (one or two lines, because half the room will not know). Your three specifics. The one sentence you want people to keep. A closing line spoken to the person rather than about them.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Keep it short.<\/strong> The common advice across the funeral guides is roughly 750 to 1,000 words, about five minutes. Going under that is almost never the mistake anyone regrets.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Read it aloud with a clock running.<\/strong> You will be slower on the day than you are tonight \u2014 everyone is. Mark the two or three places where you may need to stop and breathe, so that stopping is part of the plan instead of a failure. Print it in large type, on paper. Not a phone: screens lock, and your hands will shake more than you expect.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Give a copy to one other person.<\/strong> Someone who can stand up and finish reading it if you cannot. This is the step people skip, and it is the one that makes it safe to fall apart. Knowing there is a second pair of hands is often the only reason the first pair holds.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n<p>A small thing worth knowing about the borrowed lines people reach for at these events: a lot of them are not from where everyone assumes. &#8220;Ashes to ashes, dust to dust&#8221; \u2014 the phrase almost everyone believes is scripture \u2014 <a href=\"https:\/\/bgodinspired.com\/index.php\/bible-resources\/bible-answers\/is-ashes-to-ashes-dust-to-dust-in-the-bible\/\">actually comes from a prayer book printed in 1549<\/a>. Use the stock phrases if they comfort you. Just do not reach for one because you think your own sentence is not good enough. It is.<\/p>\n\n<p>And if you are also the person organising everything else, the meal afterwards has its own quiet set of rules that nobody explains either \u2014 <a href=\"https:\/\/bgodinspired.com\/index.php\/real-life\/repast-meaning\/\">here is what the gathering after a funeral is actually for<\/a>, including the part where nobody expects you to cook.<\/p>\n\n<h2>The oldest eulogy anyone has a record of had this exact problem<\/h2>\n\n<p>Three thousand years ago, a young man named David stood up to speak about a king named Saul.<\/p>\n\n<p>Saul had spent years trying to kill him. Not metaphorically. He threw a spear at David inside his own house, more than once, and when that failed he took an army into the wilderness and hunted him across it. David spent a significant portion of his young life sleeping in caves because of this man. The pursuit only ended because Saul died in battle.<\/p>\n\n<p>When the news came, the messenger who brought it clearly expected to be rewarded. He was not. David tore his clothes and mourned, and then he sat down and wrote a lament.<\/p>\n\n<p>Here is what is in it.<\/p>\n\n<p>A line that has survived three millennia and is still quoted at funerals by people who have no idea where it came from: <em>how are the mighty fallen<\/em>. A worry that the news would travel to Israel&#8217;s enemies and they would celebrate \u2014 he actually asks that it not be announced in their streets. And then, remarkably, exactly one specific piece of praise for Saul: that under his reign the women of Israel were clothed in scarlet, with gold on their clothing.<\/p>\n\n<p>Not &#8220;he was a great king.&#8221; Not &#8220;he united the tribes.&#8221; A wardrobe. The smallest, most domestic detail available \u2014 ordinary people were better dressed than they used to be \u2014 and it is the only concrete compliment in the entire poem.<\/p>\n\n<p>And here is what is not in it: the spear. The caves. The wilderness. The years. Not one line. Not a hint. Not a single carefully worded sentence that a listener could decode.<\/p>\n\n<p>But the part that should genuinely stop you is a different line. David wrote that Saul and his son Jonathan were <em>lovely and pleasant in their lives, and in their death they were not divided.<\/em><\/p>\n\n<p>The same ancient record that preserves that poem also preserves the night Saul threw a javelin at Jonathan across a dinner table, and Jonathan got up and walked out in fierce anger. Father and son had been divided. David knew it better than anyone alive \u2014 he was the reason for the argument.<\/p>\n\n<p>He wrote the generous line anyway.<\/p>\n\n<p>That is not a man lying. Nobody in that room was deceived; they had all been there. That is a man deciding, in public, what was worth carrying forward \u2014 and declining to spend a funeral proving a point he had already won.<\/p>\n\n<p>There is one more detail, and it is the one that tells you what the people who kept this story thought of his choice. David did not say it once and sit down. He had it taught. The lament was handed to the whole nation to learn by heart. The eulogy for the man who had hunted him became something the children were expected to memorise.<\/p>\n\n<p>People have been standing exactly where you are standing for as long as there have been people and funerals and complicated families. And the oldest surviving answer is not &#8220;tell the whole truth&#8221; and it is not &#8220;pretend.&#8221; It is: choose what is worth keeping, and then say that part well. Something older and steadier than any of us seems to have decided that this is the generous thing to do \u2014 generous enough to be worth teaching to everyone who came after.<\/p>\n\n<h2>What you actually have to do on the day<\/h2>\n\n<p>Not resolve the relationship. Not reach a conclusion about a whole person. Not be fair, in the way a judge is fair.<\/p>\n\n<p>You have to stand up, speak for about five minutes, and sit back down.<\/p>\n\n<p>That is genuinely all. Whatever is unfinished stays unfinished, and it will still be there next month when you have the room to look at it properly. The forgiving part, if it ever comes, comes later and on its own schedule, and it does not come faster because you performed it in front of an audience.<\/p>\n\n<p>If the forgiving part is actually what is sitting on your chest right now \u2014 and for a lot of people writing this particular kind of eulogy, it is \u2014 our free <a href=\"https:\/\/bgodinspired.com\/index.php\/am-i-ready-to-forgive\/\">Am I Ready to Forgive?<\/a> assessment is a quieter place to look at that. On a day that is not this one.<\/p>\n\n<p>For tonight: the list. Ten or fifteen fragments, no judgement, nothing crossed out.<\/p>\n\n<p>Tomorrow you circle three true things and say them well.<\/p>\n\n<p>That is a eulogy. It always was.<\/p>\n\n<h2>What do you think?<\/h2>\n\n<p>Here is the thing people genuinely disagree about: when someone was difficult, is a eulogy that leaves all of it out an act of kindness \u2014 or a kind of dishonesty the room can quietly feel? There is a real case on both sides.<\/p>\n\n<p><strong>Tell us which way you land in the comments.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n<div class=\"convertkit-form wp-block-convertkit-form\" style=\"\"><script async data-uid=\"6491fb8269\" src=\"https:\/\/bgodinspired.kit.com\/6491fb8269\/index.js\" data-jetpack-boost=\"ignore\" data-no-defer=\"1\" data-no-optimize=\"1\" nowprocket><\/script><\/div>\n\n\n<h2>Share this<\/h2>\n\n<p><em>Every &#8220;how to write a eulogy&#8221; guide assumes the person was easy to love. This is the first one I found that deals with the other kind. https:\/\/bgodinspired.com\/index.php\/relationships-and-family\/how-to-write-a-eulogy-complicated-person\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n<p><em>The oldest eulogy anyone has a record of was written by a man about the king who had spent years hunting him \u2014 and it does not mention it once. Not because he was pretending. Because he had decided what was worth carrying out of the room. https:\/\/bgodinspired.com\/index.php\/relationships-and-family\/how-to-write-a-eulogy-complicated-person\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n<p><em>If you are up at 1am trying to write a eulogy for someone complicated: you are not stuck for words. You are stuck because the true words and the sayable words are not the same words. That is a different problem, and it has an answer. https:\/\/bgodinspired.com\/index.php\/relationships-and-family\/how-to-write-a-eulogy-complicated-person\/<\/em><\/p>\n\n<h2>Questions People Ask<\/h2>\n\n<h3>How do I write a eulogy for someone who was difficult or abusive?<\/h3>\n<p>Start by changing the question you are answering. A eulogy is not a verdict on whether someone was a good person; it answers the much smaller question of what the people in the room should carry out of it. That means omission is allowed \u2014 you may leave the difficult material out entirely, and a eulogy has always been understood as a selection rather than a complete account. What is not allowed is invention: do not describe a devoted parent who did not exist, because a room can feel a false sentence. If the difficulty is widely known, one honest sentence naming its shape without details (&#8220;he was not an easy man&#8221;) is usually enough, and then you move on to the few true things you came to say.<\/p>\n\n<h3>How long should a eulogy be?<\/h3>\n<p>The common advice across funeral guides is roughly 750 to 1,000 words, which comes out at about five minutes spoken. Shorter is rarely the mistake anyone regrets. Read it out loud with a clock before the day, because almost everyone speaks more slowly during a funeral than in rehearsal, and grief adds pauses you cannot plan for. Mark two or three places where you can stop and breathe, so that stopping is built into the plan rather than feeling like a failure.<\/p>\n\n<h3>Is it okay to leave things out of a eulogy?<\/h3>\n<p>Yes. Leaving something out is not the same as lying. Everyone listening already understands that a eulogy is a selection of a few things rather than a full and balanced account of a life, and no one has ever left a funeral expecting to have received one. The honest line to hold is the difference between omission and invention \u2014 declining to mention a person&#8217;s drinking is a choice about subject matter, while describing a closeness that never existed is a false statement the room will sense.<\/p>\n\n<h3>What do you say in a eulogy when you did not like the person?<\/h3>\n<p>Say what you actually saw rather than what you concluded. Describing is both safer and more moving than assessing: &#8220;he drove four hours to collect me and never mentioned it again&#8221; is simply a thing that happened and cannot be argued with, while &#8220;he was generous&#8221; is a judgement someone in the room may privately dispute. Find three specific, concrete, observed details \u2014 a habit, a phrase, an object, something they were ridiculous about \u2014 and build the whole talk around those. Avoid the sideways joke with an edge in it, because that is the one line everybody will remember afterwards.<\/p>\n\n<h3>What is the oldest known eulogy?<\/h3>\n<p>One of the oldest surviving funeral laments in any written tradition is a roughly three-thousand-year-old Hebrew poem in which a young man named David mourns King Saul and Saul&#8217;s son Jonathan. It is the source of the phrase &#8220;how are the mighty fallen,&#8221; still quoted at funerals today. It is remarkable mainly because Saul had spent years pursuing David with the intention of killing him, and the lament does not mention that conflict at all \u2014 the only concrete praise it offers Saul is that ordinary people dressed better during his reign. 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